The reason it’s sticking is that for almost 10 years now, I’ve been trying to understand why someone who had been very close to me decided to cut me out of her life altogether. I made a mistake. I tried to make amends, but to no avail. There was no forgiveness from her, so for me there was only deep and painful loss, grief and eventual acceptance.
Many people were hurt by this ugly set of circumstances. My late mother was one of them. Because the situation is still clearly beyond my control, I don’t think about it often, except during the holiday season when I think about it all the time, especially when I’m trying to go to sleep at night, taking a shower in the morning or driving alone in my car listening to Christmas music. At those moments, instead of rejoicing in gratitude for my good life, I feel angry, sad and uncomfortable. I admit to letting these emotions reduce me to sobbing uncontrollably – not a good condition for driving or sleeping, although it’s okay in the shower because I can wash my face.
The holidays are over now. I know I need to let the whole thing go…again. But my left brain wants to analyze and try to understand what happened way back then, probably hoping I will come up with a fabulous new solution to heal the wounds and let us all come together. It hasn’t happened at graduations, funerals or family weddings, so the odds are not in favor of resolution. Duh.
It’s time to capitulate and just be comfy not knowing or trying to reason why. And it’s time to snuggle up on the couch with my dogs and eat ice cream.